I realize the title is going to get much attention, so I will explain, stay with me! First I want to remind you all what the "angle" for my blog. To change a few things was the "angle" I put it out in my second blog. I stated that I was using the blog as a tool to explore how this trip would change me as a professional, as a Christian and as a citizen of the larger world. I tried to end most every entry with the changing perspective the days touring Israel impressed upon me. At the very bottom of this final entry you can find the "reflection" excerpts from each day.
So after two full days back home someone finally asked me the million dollar question, "Was it a life changing experience?" Now many had asked me if it was amazing, if I had a good time, if it was worth it, what I liked the best (as if that is ever possible to answer) but no one up until 4pm on Monday 3/12 had asked me if it was "life changing." I was stumped, more so because I knew I couldn't say yes, but I wasn't sure why exactly, so my response was "I think it could be." After reflecting on that moment I have come to fully understand my hesitation to answer the question and the appropriate answer for me.
So let me explain now, "Was it a life changing experience?" My answer is definitively, "No, is was life affirming." You may be thinking that this is semantics, but it is actually a very different answer and one I am owing very deliberately as uniquely my answer.
This trip was not a mecca, it wasn't the haag, with wasn't a Christian rite of passage, it wasn't a homecoming to a land that I have some historical right to-though for many it is this very type of experience. For me the clarity began when I shed a few tears in the security line as Yael was leaving (and as they well in my eyes now typing this) and fully emerged when reflection on this question. I was ready to leave, though I was going to miss the people and parts of my life that those 10 days had amazingly occupied. I was ready to leave though-why? Because I was ready to come back to my life-my free, non-security walled/barriered life. My life where thought it is criticized (perhaps scrutinized or debated are a better words) separates the state and religion, in the name of democracy for the people. My life where a constitution and amendments dictate how I am ruled over-not the whims of changing parties and agendas. My life where I pay my taxes (as do all-now we can argue over who should pay more or less) as does everyone else and those that gain governmental social program benefits from those taxes are not guiding the governmental agenda (WOW-that sounds like a great case for keeping societal privilege in tact). It is MY LIFE and I am ultimately in control of it and never have to think about the security with which I can live my life or at what point my life might be rocked by an unstable faction or agenda.
So after that tangential rant you might still be thinking, "What is life affirming?" My life was not changed by this trip. I was able to do amazing and privileged things. I was able to see historically and religious monumental and contentious sites. I was a participant in an experience that showed me that ultimately, at the end of the day, my life is amazing and that many folks would love to be able to come back to or step into my life and it is mine (lucky me!). I feel steadfast for the first time in a long time. I am in a place that while I could find 100 things wrong with it at any given moment, at that same moment there are 100 million things that are positive, amazing and worth celebrating that I don't take the time to consider (but that others would love to have even one shot at having). I learned a ton, and am grateful beyond words that I individually reflected each day in my blog (thank you for the idea Kati Pease) because I will have that to look back on when I might be a bit too focused on one of those 100 things that are wrong.
I am back and I don't want to be a different me. I don't want to be a new me. I am not a changed me. I am a me that is blessed and grateful for the me that I am and all those around me that have had and continue to have a part in the making and support of me daily. I don't want to be someone else, I want to be me-wherever that me goes, whatever that me learns, whoever that me connects to, however that me happens upon those things is not a result of the actions of me. It is a result of the work and will of His plan for me. All I can do is stand fast to the belief that He knows who me really is and all will be taken care of for me.
So no, the trip was not life changing...it was BETTER, it was life affirming!
I think this about wraps up my entries for Israel: Jess' Holy Adventure. Thank you all for reading my thoughts-I hope some of them have spurred you on to think about the "changes" that can occur in your life and I hope the entries have left you questions upon questions, and few answers!
One last Hebrew word of the day for you all...I will sign off with "Shalom haver" just at Bill Clinton did in his eulogy for Yitzhak Rabin's funeral in 1995. Clinton said, "goodbye friend" and to you all I say "goodbye friends."
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A chronicle of my daily "what has changed today" reflections:
Reflection 1...
I was confronted with a few personal thoughts today, many centering around cultural otherness and privilege. A few times I found myself looking for a more polite and customer service oriented perspective from cashiers or museum attendants. We were told that Israelis are a blunt people and I found myself judging that cultural bluntness in my head as rude or disrespectful. That is a very American perspective to take and one that I then found myself reflecting on as it would happen. I also thought a few times about the statistics or generalizations Yael, our guide, would make. I was crtically pondering in my head, how much of this is her individual interpretation as a secular Jew (as she disclosed) and an individual citizen of Israel versus the reality of all people. Yeal has been guiding tours for 15 years so I would imagine she is very knowledgeable though I do find myself using a critical lens to interpret the information she gives us.
Reflection 2...
How would you answer these questions (posed by Gershom), or better yet do you feel like you have enough background to be able to answer them? I know I didn't feel like I could last night, but now I feel like as a part of my change mantra it is a duty to help others begin to explore them, and because I think a part of my constant change is to feel more capable and confident with religion and my ability to critique it and accept what I believe as a result of the education and critique.
Reflection 3...
I want to live my life in a fashion that allows me to experience more totally bone chilling and awe inspiring moments.
Reflection 4...
DON'T WASTE THE TIME WITH DISCONTENTMENT! I want to be a more optomistic person, carpe diem, be in the moment and not be critical.
Reflection 5...
think we are all right and we are all wrong at the same time. I think that is is ludicrous for a church to ask you to declare your statement of faith after going through a few classes about their history and that any person can know what that is by the time the are in high school. Well, at least it was for me, maybe not for some, but I know when I was that age I was just saying what I thought I had been told, but didn't know what I believed or why or if it was even my belief or someone else's. Below is what I believe, and I would like to say that it is a Christian belief, though I am sure some could argue that (see Geopoltical Tour & Via Dolorosa Blog for more on my Christian faith).
Reflection 6...
I think more than anything it is that the power of the narrative and hearing the experience of others is so important. And to recognize that just when you think you have figured out a solution or where you stand there is a great chance that you will hear something that could sway you and to be open to that message. I think we all too often close our minds and believe we have all the information we need. So I would like to continue telling myself to ask questions and seek out opposite opinions and thought so I can be sure that I am making my decisions in a truly informed way and I am not letting the propaganda that is clever or heartfelt cloud by ability to think independently.
Reflection 7....
I think more than anything I remembered today how lucky I feel to be doing the professional work that I am. In my small way I am trying to help educate students how to be more critical thinkers and to listen first to understand others and then to be understood yourself. I also hope that students are learning that there is more to leadership than being a outspoken person with a title, I aim to really impress on them the ideas that true change comes from anyone with a passion and that you don't need a formal title to lead, you just need to authentically you and integrate your values into your everyday life (integrity). Seeing the passion the Encounter participants had made me remember that the more passion and feeling you put into your work the more others will be excited and engaged by it and want to participate in your mission with you.
Reflection 8...
Well I think more than anything I was reminded of the importance of actively seeking out opinions and individual stories that are missing or not represented in a group and then truly giving them a time to speak their perspective and story. I think this is always valued, or said to be valued, in my profession, though I think that at times it gets overlooked or given a nod to but that those people aren't engaged in a true way. This is very important as I look toward the future of my office and were we are going to make sure we engage all perspectives. I am also reminded that beauty is everywhere around us and that you should truly take the time to stop and enjoy it and not take for granted the experiences we have in front of us.
Reflection 9...
Well I think the best way I can describe it is that you have to know what is important to you in all aspects of your life, and be open to certain events really shaping who you become and the path that you take because often it is not what you would have expected but is the one that you are being called to do for reasons you do not understand (and the Christian in me in the holy land says that this is one way that God can work in your life).
Reflection 10...
There are some issues that are very difficult and that can not be easily figured out but they can not be avoided. The avoidance of a conflict, or the acceptance of living in conflict is a way to perpetuate the conflict and unpleasant circumstances as a result. Now if you know me at all you know that I HATE CONFLICT, but if nothing else this trip has taught me the value of directness and that avoiding conflict doesn't get you anywhere productive.
Reflection 11...
Unexplainable things happen everywhere and every day (like ancient biblical writing being sold in the NY times, like a huge city being built atop a giant plateau with now modern equipment, people choose to die at their own hands rather than facing an fate that seems worse than death, and a place that is considered dead can produce valuable exports and products) who are we to make judgements on those things. They occurred for a reason and not everything needs to be explained by scientific fact or written history-sometimes things just occur as part of a grander plan for reasons unable to be understood or interpreted in the present time. I think I need to be more open to this idea and accepting that for me God is the larger force guiding this plan and that as long as I am moving in his path I am doing what I should be.
Reflection 12....
I am just realy happy to be heading back to my personal mode of transportation, shower, BED, non-smelly EVERYTHING space and my life
